Wednesday, October 12, 2016
I cannot be anything but what I am
This is one of the pictures illustrating the latest email story from Leonie Dawson* and it resonates with me so hard today.
Lately, I've been feeling like all the parts of me are floating around, moving into new configurations. I'm trying to find work and it's making me question what work I even want to do, how much poverty and unhappiness I can handle, and how I got here. I'm trying to write a novel and build my nail polish biz, and it's showing me very clearly how little I know about promo and how terrible I am at keeping routines. I'm trying to design a life I want to live, one worth living, and not one where every second and every drop of my limited energy is turned over to things I don't like doing but the world keeps telling me are necessary--even when they shouldn't be.
And then this quote shows up in my inbox.
All that pressure, it all boils down to the old issue I've been dealing with all my life: I can fake "normal", but I'm not really that. Whatever that is.** I'm a square peg, and I always have been. Now that I'm working through a bunch of stuff and trying really hard to be honest with myself about what I want from my life, I have to face the facts. I'm very introverted. I'm also not standardly-brained--I have chronic depression, I'm synaesthetic, there's gaps in my understanding of things. I have a chronic pain disorder and an anxiety disorder. I'm highly creative and write compulsively. I really suck at day to day life stuff, but I'm awesome at inventing nail polish.
And like she said in her email, all of this is me. I'm not a contradiction.
It gets exhausting, and I needed the reminder. So thank you, Leonie Dawson!
What's the stuff that you're struggling with? What are you trying to reconcile? Do you have quotes you hold on to like this one? Share in the comments, maybe we can help each other out!
* She's awesome. Go read her stuff and get her workbooks and be awesome. I have affiliate links in the Affiliations page up at the top of the blog!
** Part of my not-normal-ness is the lack of understanding of how you even be normal. Like, it's all meaningless more of the time, despite how I've learned to look and act how people want me to.